When should you beat your wife? There’s an iPhone App for that!

by ‘Thomas the plumber’

The Apple iPhone is an amazing piece of technology. Anything you want to know, you’ve got it in your hand with just a few queries. Last month in the middle of installing a sink I found that the new (EU) standard connector wouldn’t marry up with the 70 year old pipes I was dealing with. (I hate renovations. Give me new construction anytime!) What to do? Easy! Within a couple of minutes I was off to the store for the exact parts I needed for the transition… thanks to iPhone and Google.

Google is one thing, but iPhone apps take being a plumber to a whole new level. With Plumber Pro, I manage all my jobs, my clients, issue hourly and parts invoices, send estimates and process credit cards for smaller jobs. All from my iPhone. At the end of the week I send the whole mess to my bookkeeper who is supposed to integrate it into the business accounting records.

Only one problem: lately my bookkeeper has been lazy and inattentive to her business duties, and to some of her other duties as well. She’s also my wife and I’ve just about had it with her.

Talking doesn’t seem to do any good and I’ve come close to hitting her on a few occasions. Believe me, it would give me pleasure.

What should I do about this?

The family business and my happiness as the head of our household are suffering. My wife is lazy and disobedient. She spends most of her time watching the telly. I swear if I come home one more time and find her watching Coronation Street I’ll put my foot through the screen. When it comes to bedtime she’s always tired. Never interested. I’ve just about had it.

Thanks to the Apple iPhone though, I now have a guide to when it is permissible and advisable to discipline and even beat my wife. This is not something I’m taking lightly, so I did my research and I’ve found an iPhone App that deals with this important question: When should you beat your wife?

The alQuran iPhone App is exactly what I was looking for! It has an excellent interface, over 100 translations in 30 different languages, easy scrolling, and a wonderful search capability. I searched for ‘discipline wife’ and immediately was taken to 4:34. That was exactly the advice I needed!

“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.”

I didn’t want to misinterpret this important Quran verse, so I looked up some esteemed Islamic scholars to read what they had to say. You can Google search it yourself and make up your own mind, but the scholars are in agreement with the Quran (how could they not be?). Dr. Ahmad Shafaat sums it up like this:

“However, to be effective in its purpose of shaking the wife out of her nasty mood it is important that it should provide an energetic demonstration of the anger, frustration and love of the husband. In other words, it should neither seriously hurt the wife nor reduce it to a set of meaningless motions devoid of emotions.”

So there you have it. Tonight I shall return home and discipline my wife so she will obey me as the Quran and the esteemed Islamic scholars teach. I won’t hit her at first, but if in three days she has not come around, I will obey the Quran. I think I’m going to enjoy this.

The iPhone Apps are truly wonderful!


Filed under Barbados, Human Rights, Religion

12 responses to “When should you beat your wife? There’s an iPhone App for that!

  1. peculiar

    Political satire and realism at its best

    The narrator talks in terms of his wife!

    Hopefully, the Apple App has the ability to cover a whole harem as in many Islamic countries as well as Utah.

  2. Dean

    Ahh…I see what you did there!

  3. Book instructs how to beat a Muslim wife

    Book tells Muslim men how to beat and control their wives.


    Toronto, Canada

    A local bookstore has “sold out” of a controversial marriage guide that advises Muslim men on how to beat their wives.

    The 160-page book, published by Idara Impex in New Delhi, India, is written by Hazrat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi, who’s described in the book’s foreword as a “prolific writer on almost every topic of Islamic learning.”

    The store’s manager, who didn’t give his name, said the book had been sold out for some time, and the store’s owner, whom the manager identified as Shamim Ahmad, refused to comment for the story.

    It wasn’t clear whether the shop has ordered more copies of the book, but it’s available at online Islamic bookstores and even through eBay.

    In the book’s opening pages, it is written that “it might be necessary to restrain her with strength or even to threaten her.”

    Later, its author advises that “the husband should treat the wife with kindness and love, even if she tends to be stupid and slow sometimes.”

    Page 45 contains the rights of the husband, which include his wife’s inability to leave “his house without his permission,” and that his wife must “fulfil his desires” and “not allow herself to be untidy … but should beautify herself for him … ”

    In terms of physical punishment, the book advises that a husband may scold her, “beat by hand or stick,” withhold money from her or “pull (her) by the ears,” but should “refrain from beating her excessively.”

  4. Half truth is no truth at all

    Interesting how in the Toronto news article the “moderate” muslim wants to ban the book on wife-beating, but neither he nor the newspaper mention that the original source for the instruction on wife beating is the Quran itself.

  5. cg

    I think women should be men.
    I’m sure they could find good reasons.

  6. 464-5644/B3-5c

    Any women stupid enough to be brainwashed into dressing like black garbage bags with slits to see out of
    probably deserve a lil cutass now and then
    but they are servile enough from youth to know how to avoid that I guess.
    They are trapped -and loving it. Poor things.

  7. yawn

    And despite this, you still have thousands of women converting to Islam each year in the West.

  8. de hood

    March 25, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Hopefully, the Apple App has the ability to cover a whole harem as in many Islamic countries as well as Utah.
    I truly find it rather peculiar that you would mention “Utah” in the same sentence/context as “Islamic countries” and “harem”. Would you care to explain further? Otherwise, I would just continue to think that you are just a poor misguided, bigoted, nincomPOOP.

  9. Bajan Leadpipe

    Why such an App?? Why MUST a wife be beaten? How about an App
    “How to sleep with one eye open so as to avoid being scalded by your wife while fast asleep after beating her” what about an App for the women “A 5 Day Crash course in Hand to hand Combat for use when being beaten by your husband” …Such course will instruct on how to effectively target the areas which will bring him the most excruciating pain” …or “How to self-medicate immediately after discovering that your wife has poisened your food, in a desperate last ditch attempt to escape the beatings”

  10. Hotelnotel

    Allah has made the man above the woman. This is clear.

  11. BFP

    Reblogged this on Barbados Free Press and commented:

    There has been a whole lot of talk on our article “Muslim-only housing development in Barbados” with people giving this opinion and that opinion about what Islam is, says and does. So we thought we’d re-publish a few articles that let the Koran speak for itself. Here’s one on when and how men should beat their wives.

  12. MistaBlack

    “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.”
    (1 Timothy 2:11-14)

    “let the women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but let them be in subjection, as also saith the law.”
    (1 Corinthians 14:34)

    “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as you would to the Lord”
    (Colossians 3:18)

    “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”
    (Ephesians 5:22)

    I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.
    (1 Timothy 2:12)

    “…then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones, because she has done an outrageous thing in Israel by whoring in her father’s house. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.”
    (Deuteronomy 22:21)

    But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved.
    (1 Corinthians 11:5)

    1400 years ago Islam abolished the then prominent worldwide female infanticide. Which is still a major problem in societies like India and China. Muslim women had the right to inherit and own property through marriage 1300 yrs prior to the beginning of its abolishing in Europe:

    English Common Law:
    …all real property which a wife held at the time of a marriage became a possession of her husband. He was entitled to the rent from the land and to any profit which might be made from operating the estate during the joint life of the spouses.

    “The one who has a daughter born to him and he does not bury her alive, nor keeps her in disgrace, nor prefers his son to her, Allah will admit him to Paradise.” (Prophet Muhammad, PBUH).
    “Oh people, your wives have a certain right over you and you have a certain right over them. Treat them well and be kind to them for they are your committed partners and helpers” (Prophet Muhammad, PBUH).

    “Treat them politely even if you dislike them,. Perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good” (Qur’an 4:19).

    In the Bible, pregnancy and child birth and labor pains is a punishment for Eve(women) deceiving Adam(man) as a sort of demerit or degradation. While the Qur’an doesn’t blame Eve(women) for some the so called original sin, it states that they both(Adam & Eve) erred equally. The Qur’an states that the challenges of pregnancy and child birth uplifts women.